Oh, Innocence...

Now I really don't know how to start this. The moment you see the darkside of innocence. If such a thing exists. Innocence as a concept, not a as a personal experience. I'm far from claiming it, I feel I've lost it inside some time ago. But self-perception and outer perception are two notions that sometimes find it hard to overlap. And this case is no exception to the rule. I'm a self-declared non-innocent, but voices around speak differently. No, I can't claim innocence after all the knowledge I've let slip through the corners of my mind, all the words I've heard and uttered but most of all judging by emotional history. But then again how do you successfully marry the inside with the outside?If the outside is supposedly a faithful reflection of the inner core of the being, all I can do is notice a graceful failure. People don't perceive me this way. To them, I'm still "innocent"; but I know better, I keep my quiet composure and keep on moving. Me and my voiceless truth. That I cannot utter, because their voices cover my faint argument or any frail denial. But there comes a time when such an attitude isn't flattering, in fact it sets me apart in a painful fortress of loneliness. But then again it may be what I display on the outside: a dreamy, lost gaze at times and silence; loads of it. I might still carry Milton's paradise in my eyes, but don't forget it's a lost one. Now back to silences. Since when silence pairs with innocence? Right when that silence carries a full load of thoughts, ruminations and anything in this world that can be put into words. I'm here today to award innocence a fail. The ultimate one. And it's not the voice of denial speaking here, but a voice that wants to be heard and can't otherwise.

The Unbearable Lightness of Whys

I'm here because I want to bring to life to those instances of the obvious, of the now, of that then and of the human feeling whose past present or future are nothing but another side of the same coin. I'm not here in the quest of something nonexistent, of that something I'd like to project to get away from the real world. I want to render that crude, realistic almost naturalist feel that gravitates around humankind. I want that truthful reflection in the mirror, I take a peek and can almost catch a glimpse of it. But my words are always late, they carry the heavy load of that obvious, whose heaviness is inherently there, by virtue of some natural accident or law. Funny how law and accident are almost synonyms, they come together without even colliding. 

Now that I've somehow spoken my mind, I'd like to move to a certain "instance", one that just exists independent from our uttering. I want to talk about recognition and any means that might bring it. Where does it stem from? Most surely, I won't be able to cover or exhaust a matter of this kind but I'll just throw in a few errand thoughts. Sometimes it's loneliness. Other times it's pure vanity. Or even just the need to see others raise an eyebrow at the thought of one's accomplishments. But does that need for recognition really add value and eventually a sense of fulfillment to the self?Yes, if you consider a short-term view. On the long run, I'd go for a negative answer. After all, we're the most honest when we're with ourselves solely and when you watch the man in the mirror all the perks of praise and eyebrow raising will drop like dry fruit. At that point, you can't evade yourself anymore, and any social web you tried to build around your soul will vanish like dark runs before sunrise. 

And I hope that sight suits your soul and brings serenity to you. It's a time or revealing the inner true self, of letting go of that social, physical peel that surrounds the true self. Because after all, what really matters is that when you take a look at the core of your being you still find room for love, sincerity and goodness. Any other veils built to serve the self bear little significance. And it's that very littleness that trouble me. Under the noise of social gatherings, things get amplified, praises raise in the air but only to be short-lived. So if recognition finds it hard to stand the test of time, then it surely won't stand the test of my heart. For reasons already stated and other unstated it would be foolish to let your heart rest upon it, for you can't truly rest anything on a pipe dream.